So you’re doing good, you’re running up the body count in your game of choice, demolishing any opposition. You reach the end of the level and are met with the end boss, the staple of videogames everywhere. Everything up to him has been training, and you damn well better know what you’re doing. I, unfortunately, often don’t.

Kusabi (rope ghost) Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly

Fatal Frame is a game with a simple mechanic at its core; take pictures of ghosts until they are dead. I figure ghosts are already dead but apparently Fatal Frame doesn’t care what I think. So halfway through the game you meet Kusabi, a large, rope bound ghost blocking your exit to the rest of the freakin game. I pull my magic ghost killing camera and begin shooting away at him…nothing works. Every time I get close to him I die, and taking pictures of him isn’t damaging him at all.

Every day I’d boot up the game and spend hours taking pictures of him like the photoshoot of the damned. I finally broke down and asked a friend of mine about it. She informed me that the key to beating him was…to run past him. That’s right, I had spent almost 2 weeks trying to fight this ghost when all I had to do was run past him.

Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)

You cannot call yourself a gamer until you’ve played Metal Gear Solid. You also can’t call yourself a gamer without having broken at least one controller while playing Metal Gear Solid. For the uninformed, Psycho Mantis is a boss you fight about half way through the game. He wears a gas mask and a bdsm suit, and also can READ YOUR MIND. You wanna shoot him? Too bad, he just jammed your gun. You wanna throw a grenade? Nope, he saw it coming. You wanna punch his face? Oops, he just pushed your mother down the stairs while she was pregnant with you.

The key here is to simply switch controller ports. That’s right, even with his all seeing, all knowing, miscarriage creating powers, he can’t seem to read your second controller slot.

Ruby Weapon (Final Fantasy 7)

This fight is actually optional, you don’t have to do it. Doing it scores you a very useful item though, so I thought I would try and conquer the Ruby WEAPON. I was expecting hard, I was expecting grueling. What I got was impossible. I would attack, and Ruby would instantly take 2 people out of the fight permanently. I would sit and grind on it for hours, trying desperately to make a dent in its not un-substantial health.

The key here was casting Wall, Mbarrier, haste, and then attacking with Final Attack over and over, making this fight a quick and easy affair. For your efforts you’ll get a shiny desert rose, which you can trade for something very, very useful.

Mike Tyson (Mike Tysons Punch Out)

I was but a young lad the day I was given Punch Out! for the NES. I fought through the hilariously racist fighters til I finally got to Iron Mike. I was cocky, headstrong, and ready for anything. The bell rang, I took a step towards him, and took a punch so hard my grandmother 4 states away died. In that moment I was no longer a child. I was a boxer. I practiced and practiced, I ran 8 miles a day, I ate raw eggs for breakfast, I started bench pressing 389 pounds daily (at 5 years old mind you).

Finally the day came, I blew out the cartridge and slapped it into the Nintendo. I faced down Mike with a sneer and was ready to fight. I took a step forward and threw one, two, three punches in a row, masterfully dodging all of his advances. I took one more step forward and ate a punch so hard my other grandma died. I was running out of patience and grandmothers so I decided to call it quits. To this day I still dream of him laughing at me through that giant gap in his teeth…always laughing.

Bowser (Mario)

This was the first game I ever played. I was bright eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to take on the world; The Mario World. I had heard tales from my older siblings of a trick to skip right to the last world. Straight into the heart of the action as it were. I warped to the last world and ran through it with zeal. I was about to see who ruled this Mario World (you’d really think it would be Mario seeing has how his name is the name of the world). I walked onto a bridge with lava flowing under it, ominous music was playing in the background. I prepared myself for the worst.

It was a giant lizard/turtle thing that blew fire and threw axes. I was 4 at the time so I’m pretty sure I peed myself. At that age I just couldn’t understand how to beat him. I tried jumping on his head, because that had killed all the other turtles in the game. It was like “What the hell?” . I finally gave up and asked my brother to do it. He hastily ducked under the turtle lizard and hit the switch, drowning Bowser in lava like the end of Terminator 2.

Well, I’ve played a lot of games, and I suppose I’m far better at it than when I was 4. I still hit snags here and again, so I implore you to use PlayHaven. If not for yourself, but for guys like me. I want you to write guides, because as it stands, I’ve broken:

3 controllers
1 memory card
1 PS2
2 sets of A/V cables
and burned 1 Fallout 3 strategy guide.

Some would say I have an anger problem, I would just say I’m passionate about gaming. Til next time I suppose.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 31st, 2009 at 9:31 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.